Thursday, April 21, 2011


I wanted scars to prove to you that I miss you.
Instead I got a broken heart. Nothing I can show you.

The feeling of loneliness is creeping on me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Under Meds.

Again it is been awhile since I last posted.

The news are not so great. Nothing has gotten better really.
My anxiety is through the roof, and my grades are through the ground (at least I feel like they are).
The confidence and excitement I had built up last semester and during China is all gone.
Not only that, but I am now insomniac. Not by choice.
I am under medication (Zoloft and Ambien) to control my anxiety, and to help me sleep.
The issue is, I can't sleep because I am anxious, but I am anxious because I can't sleep.

Never ending. I had one good week of sleeping, and now it seems that I have grown immuned to the Ambien. So I am going back to the doctor to fix that. The zoloft is giving me paranoia attacks in the middle of the night.
I look like crap because I don't sleep and because I don't have energy to care.
I am fatter than I have ever been and I can't stop eating because I am so tired.
I am too tired to do homework, or study, so I can't even do that, which is affecting my grades.
I had to deal with my car breaking down.
I am happy to say that I have tons of money in the bank, but money doesn't lead to happiness. And all that money is about to be gone for rent and utilities.
I might have found a cheaper place to live next year. If I make it.
I might go back to France this summer.
Work is stressing me out because everyone expects something from me.
I can't help but be insecure about my new relationship.
I can't help but fear about my last relationship.
I can't help but be insecure about myself.
I just want to sleep at this point for hours and hours at a time, with no one telling me what I have to do, or what is wrong with me, or feel gross.
I just want vacations. <3