Scars

I wanted scars to prove to you that I miss you.
Instead I got a broken heart. Nothing I can show you.

The feeling of loneliness is creeping on me.

Under Meds.

Yes.
Again it is been awhile since I last posted.

The news are not so great. Nothing has gotten better really.
My anxiety is through the roof, and my grades are through the ground (at least I feel like they are).
The confidence and excitement I had built up last semester and during China is all gone.
Not only that, but I am now insomniac. Not by choice.
I am under medication (Zoloft and Ambien) to control my anxiety, and to help me sleep.
The issue is, I can't sleep because I am anxious, but I am anxious because I can't sleep.

Never ending. I had one good week of sleeping, and now it seems that I have grown immuned to the Ambien. So I am going back to the doctor to fix that. The zoloft is giving me paranoia attacks in the middle of the night.
I look like crap because I don't sleep and because I don't have energy to care.
I am fatter than I have ever been and I can't stop eating because I am so tired.
I am too tired to do homework, or study, so I can't even do that, which is affecting my grades.
I had to deal with my car breaking down.
I am happy to say that I have tons of money in the bank, but money doesn't lead to happiness. And all that money is about to be gone for rent and utilities.
I might have found a cheaper place to live next year. If I make it.
I might go back to France this summer.
Work is stressing me out because everyone expects something from me.
I can't help but be insecure about my new relationship.
I can't help but fear about my last relationship.
I can't help but be insecure about myself.
I just want to sleep at this point for hours and hours at a time, with no one telling me what I have to do, or what is wrong with me, or feel gross.
I just want vacations. <3

News

I'm sorry I've been quiet.

I've had difficulties with life lately. I need a release, and I wish this blog could help, but it cannot.

Happy news:
I am going to France this spring break. I need a break from this american lifestyle, and from this stress and worry in my stomach. I need my home. So I'm going. I am doing pretty well financially, enough for me to afford a trip to Europe.

I also have to look into new houses, because I can't live with most of the people I live with right now.

I have two more classes than last semester, and I can feel it in my bone.

Basically, I am working more, to keep my thoughts busy, but it is exhausting.
I want France <3

What to do with an ex?

I am not sure how to answer that question myself, but Im not sur emy ex is really getting the message. It seems like he still thinks in terms of "we" and "us" rather than himself, or maybe he thinks too much about himself?

I am not sure.

All I know is that yesterday wasn't the greatest day. He sent me a pretty funny text asking me to hang out, which I might not be able to, because I might have to pick up hours at work. Then he told me we could just cuddle in front of his computer. *sigh*. Cuddle? What was he thinking? After one lunch with him I would fall back in love with him?
I *DO NOT* want to fall back in love with him. Ever. The last two years were filled with just empty promises and hope and disappointment on my part. I can't live like that anymore, I need to live for myself, and not under his regime. So, after I told him I couldn't communicate with him and to leave me alone he proceeded to call me and leave me a REALLY long voicemail.

*sigh*.
*again*.

I told him to leave me alone a couple times, and he still calls? Did I stutter via text? Is it that hard to understand that I don't want to be with him anymore? Am I sending mixed signals? Should I just not talk to him for the next 6 months (Advise given to me by someone who went through something similar)?
What to do with an ex?

It is been awhile.

It is been a really long time since last time I posted.
First. I WON NANOWRIMO!! :DDD
YES YES! LEXI HELPED ME WIN.... BUT I WON.

Now, my new goal is to finish that story. 

Frankly, I stopped blogging because I broke up with Kevin and was too depressed to want to write anything to anyone, or even communicate with anyone. I really closed off on myself at that time, and I still am.
I am keeping busy with school and work. Working long hours, and adding two extra classes than last semester. Anything to keep my mind off of my pain. My achy breaky heart. Even though, I am happy about my decision, I can't help but be nostalgic at times.

I saw him yesterday. It had been so long, and so painful for both of us, that it was nice to see him smile. I told him about a random hook up and he didn't take it very well. I should have known, but at least I was honest. Honesty always wins right?
Then why does it feel shitty? Is it, maybe, because I STILL don't know how to care for myself, but only for others? And I would rather see everyone smile, and my arms with scars than to see myself happy and one person sad?
How is that good for me?

My trip to China really opened my eyes on that issue. I got myself deathly sick in order to care for my room mate. I stayed up endless hours of the night to make sure she was alright, and ran around getting medicine for her, and I didn't notice I was myself sick until finally one day, my body couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the hospital and get myself IVed and everything. Why did I put myself through all that? So Lauren could at least have a bit of a good time.

I don't think I could really ever become a person who wants her own happiness. It makes me sad to think this way, but let's be honest (since we are on that topic), could I really re-teach myself on how to be happy when someone is sad? Even if I feel thats the way the rest of the world works?
I don't think so. I am giving up on that goal. I will make myself happy through making others happy, even if it means sacrificing myself and my needs. Who cares about them anyway?

:] Well, I will try to post something new everyday. Next post should be about my awesome trip to China, right? ;]

NanoUpdate

This is my graph now! As you can see there was some holes. I am a bad person ;] Just kidding. 

The first hole was because of Harry Potter 7, so totally worth it. The last two holes was my laziness. I did get lazy, but as you can see, I caught up!

Now, I am back on my way to the top of NanoWrimo!

I hope all of you my friends, my dear writers, are also on the path to win!

Now, I must make Lexi snap at someone else. She is whining again :P

Cooking a chicken pot pie

Today is Sunday. In my head, Sunday is cooking day. I usually wake up, spend sometime in front of the TV, hunting down some recipes. Once I have set my mind on something delicious, I go to the store and spend at least an hour picking out the best and cheapest ingredients.
Today was Chicken Pot Pie day. My room mate is sick, and it is grey outside, evoking a sense of darkness. It was time to eat some "comfort food". Chicken Pot Pies are nutritional if done right, and they are warm enough to keep us happy for a couple of hours.

So off I went to make 4 chicken pot pies with my small college budget.
I went to buy the ingredients, and in total, it comes down to 15$. For 4 chicken pot pies. I was worried I didn't have enough ingredients, but I had the perfect amount, expect for the chicken. Good thing we have a vegetarian in the house.

So here is how I made them.

1 cup [200 grams] of small onions (cut)
1 cup [200 grams] of carrots (diced)
1 cup [200 grams] of celery (diced)
1 cup [200 grams] of potatoes (diced)
1 cup [200 grams] of peas
4 slices of chicken (diced)
1 can of chicken broth
Salt and Pepper
1 cup [200 grams] of heavy cream
1 cup [200 grams] of milk
1 Tbsp [13 grams] of butter
2 Tbsp [13 grams] of flour
4 Pre-made crust in a bowl

Preparation:
First I cut all of the vegetables, and chicken. I opened the cans and checked that I had enough pans. (It requires two pans or one).

Cooking:
Saute the vegetables. (Which means to add the vegetables to oil and a pan. The oil must be hot.)
Add the chicken. Once the chicken is white, or brownish (to your preference, add the butter. Mix well. After the butter is melted, add the flour. Season with salt and pepper (as much as you want) It should look a little bready. After the flour is mixed in (you shouldn't see the flour anymore), you want to add the broth. The whole can will be fine. Let it simmer until it is a bit thicker. Then when the liquid is reduced of half of the amount that it was, you just need to add the milk and the heavy cream. Then let it simmer for a little bit, and when it looks a little thicker take the pan off the fire.
Preheat the oven for 400F [200C].
Once it is pre-heated, you can put the mix you just prepared in your bowls and put the crust on top, or not. Your choice on that one. Then put it in the bowls for 10 mns in the oven.

Enjoy!

Deathly Hallows. A review.

So, I went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter 7 and the Deathly Hallow - Part 1.

Yes, I stayed up all night so the inner-nerd in my could be satisfies.

And. It. Was.

The movie followed the book closely, which was very very exciting. It didn't feel rushed in anyway, like the 6th movie. We had time to analyze the scene and feel for the characters as each scene took place. The timing for each scene could not have been better.

If you haven't read the book, no worries, everything is explained pretty well in the movies. So you can follow along, and discover Harry's adventure in a logical sense. There is no secrets that isn't revealed to you, and for that matter, everything is pretty much spelled out to you.

My favorite scene was when Hermione was telling the story. I love animated movies, so that was animated, and my fav'. Just the whole story is so crucial to the book, that if not told well, we could have been left scratching our head. There was no head scratch.

My least favorite scene was when Bertha transformed into a snake. It was truly, the scariest part of the movie. I didn't expect it to be THIS scary, and I never wanted to see that part again.

Now for grades:

Characters:

-Acting: A+ (Ron is the best actor in the world.)

-Wardrobe: A+++ (Hermione's outfit are ADORABLE. New personal hero of mine)

- Haircuts: A- (I hate Harry's hair, and at times Ron's)

- Secondary characters: B+ (We really don't see much of them. It is too focused on Hermione, Harry and Ron. The only reason I gave it a "+" was because my favorite characters are still hot.)

- Deaths: B+ (TOO MUCH CRYING)

Setting:

- Landscape: A (Beautiful landscapes and sunsets at all times. Dreaminnngg)

- Luna's house: A- (A little too organized for my choosing. They aren't crazy enough with that)

- The wedding: B- (We didn't see enough. I was sad)

- The ministry: B+ (That was pretty well done. I enjoyed it.)

- The tent: A (Gotta mention the tent seeing as it is in there ALL THE TIME. Plain and boring, but oh well)

Magic stuff:

- Hermione's bag: A+ (I WANT IT. It just never ends.)

- The wands: A (Love the symbolism. Go see it and you will know what scene I'm taking about. *wink wink*Lucius and Voldemort *wink wink*)

- Hermione's spells: A (she is pretty much the only one using cool spells this movie. Ron even says "You're the best at spells." So, they are pretty interesting)

- The snitch: B- (Didn't have a giant part in it, maybe it will come around in the next book.)

- Ron's lighter: B (Not even going to attempt to write that. The effect were pretty cool and it was actually interesting to watch him use it.)

- The horcrux: A+ (Totally loved it!)

Plot:

- For reals? A++

Therefore, all together I give it an A+ and a "see again!"

Link to my self-esteem

All I am really going to do today is give you this link : CLICK HERE

You can click on it, read it, and love it as much as I do ;]

Here is a little preview from that amazing article.

"French girls may not have the quirky eccentricity of British girls, but they all share one thing: an unshakeable confidence in the power of their femininity, as nature intended it"

Society's new addition?

I was taking a shower (Yeah I do that sometimes) and I realized that money was a new addiction.
I realized that while I was counting the amount of Dollares in my bank account to this day.

Money is something on my mind at all times, because it is all around us. It something we will call an invisible addiction, because it is accepted in society.

When a woman cannot stop thinking about her body image, we call her anorexic or bulimic.
When a man cannot stop smoking, we call them a heavy smoker.
When a person cannot stop working, they are a workaholic.

But what about a person who cannot stop worrying about money?
Well, that's called normal. In the society I live in, money is everything. The reason for living is money in some people's lives. How many times do I hear people saying that they cannot die, because it would mean leaving a family without an income.

I know lately I have been worried about my own bank account, and I was thinking in what way can I bring more money in my little virtual piggy bank. It is that worry that feeds our addiction with money.
I pick up jobs that I hate in order to make some extra cash. I am stuck at a job that I do not enjoy so I can pay for rent and food bills. Before I swip my bank card, I calculate how much I have left in my account, and what it means for the week.

I wonder, if I was in someone's hand at the market, how often they think of money. It is an obsession that has been accept through society, because society is based on the dollar bill. Yet, it worries people just as much as their body weight, or word count.
That is why, I am going to try to limit my time spend thinking about my finances. Limit my time online looking at my bank account, and planning and replanning how much I can spend a week. I am well aware that I have enough for my trip to China, and that I have parents who will help me if I am in a financial hole.

So why worry so much?
Why would society pollute my mind with something like that?

Because society tells me that grown-ups worry about money. And I am a grown-up now, so I must worry.
Screw that. Society, I am a rebel. You ain't getting me.