Scars

I wanted scars to prove to you that I miss you.
Instead I got a broken heart. Nothing I can show you.

The feeling of loneliness is creeping on me.

Under Meds.

Yes.
Again it is been awhile since I last posted.

The news are not so great. Nothing has gotten better really.
My anxiety is through the roof, and my grades are through the ground (at least I feel like they are).
The confidence and excitement I had built up last semester and during China is all gone.
Not only that, but I am now insomniac. Not by choice.
I am under medication (Zoloft and Ambien) to control my anxiety, and to help me sleep.
The issue is, I can't sleep because I am anxious, but I am anxious because I can't sleep.

Never ending. I had one good week of sleeping, and now it seems that I have grown immuned to the Ambien. So I am going back to the doctor to fix that. The zoloft is giving me paranoia attacks in the middle of the night.
I look like crap because I don't sleep and because I don't have energy to care.
I am fatter than I have ever been and I can't stop eating because I am so tired.
I am too tired to do homework, or study, so I can't even do that, which is affecting my grades.
I had to deal with my car breaking down.
I am happy to say that I have tons of money in the bank, but money doesn't lead to happiness. And all that money is about to be gone for rent and utilities.
I might have found a cheaper place to live next year. If I make it.
I might go back to France this summer.
Work is stressing me out because everyone expects something from me.
I can't help but be insecure about my new relationship.
I can't help but fear about my last relationship.
I can't help but be insecure about myself.
I just want to sleep at this point for hours and hours at a time, with no one telling me what I have to do, or what is wrong with me, or feel gross.
I just want vacations. <3

News

I'm sorry I've been quiet.

I've had difficulties with life lately. I need a release, and I wish this blog could help, but it cannot.

Happy news:
I am going to France this spring break. I need a break from this american lifestyle, and from this stress and worry in my stomach. I need my home. So I'm going. I am doing pretty well financially, enough for me to afford a trip to Europe.

I also have to look into new houses, because I can't live with most of the people I live with right now.

I have two more classes than last semester, and I can feel it in my bone.

Basically, I am working more, to keep my thoughts busy, but it is exhausting.
I want France <3

What to do with an ex?

I am not sure how to answer that question myself, but Im not sur emy ex is really getting the message. It seems like he still thinks in terms of "we" and "us" rather than himself, or maybe he thinks too much about himself?

I am not sure.

All I know is that yesterday wasn't the greatest day. He sent me a pretty funny text asking me to hang out, which I might not be able to, because I might have to pick up hours at work. Then he told me we could just cuddle in front of his computer. *sigh*. Cuddle? What was he thinking? After one lunch with him I would fall back in love with him?
I *DO NOT* want to fall back in love with him. Ever. The last two years were filled with just empty promises and hope and disappointment on my part. I can't live like that anymore, I need to live for myself, and not under his regime. So, after I told him I couldn't communicate with him and to leave me alone he proceeded to call me and leave me a REALLY long voicemail.

*sigh*.
*again*.

I told him to leave me alone a couple times, and he still calls? Did I stutter via text? Is it that hard to understand that I don't want to be with him anymore? Am I sending mixed signals? Should I just not talk to him for the next 6 months (Advise given to me by someone who went through something similar)?
What to do with an ex?

It is been awhile.

It is been a really long time since last time I posted.
First. I WON NANOWRIMO!! :DDD
YES YES! LEXI HELPED ME WIN.... BUT I WON.

Now, my new goal is to finish that story. 

Frankly, I stopped blogging because I broke up with Kevin and was too depressed to want to write anything to anyone, or even communicate with anyone. I really closed off on myself at that time, and I still am.
I am keeping busy with school and work. Working long hours, and adding two extra classes than last semester. Anything to keep my mind off of my pain. My achy breaky heart. Even though, I am happy about my decision, I can't help but be nostalgic at times.

I saw him yesterday. It had been so long, and so painful for both of us, that it was nice to see him smile. I told him about a random hook up and he didn't take it very well. I should have known, but at least I was honest. Honesty always wins right?
Then why does it feel shitty? Is it, maybe, because I STILL don't know how to care for myself, but only for others? And I would rather see everyone smile, and my arms with scars than to see myself happy and one person sad?
How is that good for me?

My trip to China really opened my eyes on that issue. I got myself deathly sick in order to care for my room mate. I stayed up endless hours of the night to make sure she was alright, and ran around getting medicine for her, and I didn't notice I was myself sick until finally one day, my body couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the hospital and get myself IVed and everything. Why did I put myself through all that? So Lauren could at least have a bit of a good time.

I don't think I could really ever become a person who wants her own happiness. It makes me sad to think this way, but let's be honest (since we are on that topic), could I really re-teach myself on how to be happy when someone is sad? Even if I feel thats the way the rest of the world works?
I don't think so. I am giving up on that goal. I will make myself happy through making others happy, even if it means sacrificing myself and my needs. Who cares about them anyway?

:] Well, I will try to post something new everyday. Next post should be about my awesome trip to China, right? ;]