Monday, February 7, 2011

It is been awhile.

It is been a really long time since last time I posted.

Now, my new goal is to finish that story. 

Frankly, I stopped blogging because I broke up with Kevin and was too depressed to want to write anything to anyone, or even communicate with anyone. I really closed off on myself at that time, and I still am.
I am keeping busy with school and work. Working long hours, and adding two extra classes than last semester. Anything to keep my mind off of my pain. My achy breaky heart. Even though, I am happy about my decision, I can't help but be nostalgic at times.

I saw him yesterday. It had been so long, and so painful for both of us, that it was nice to see him smile. I told him about a random hook up and he didn't take it very well. I should have known, but at least I was honest. Honesty always wins right?
Then why does it feel shitty? Is it, maybe, because I STILL don't know how to care for myself, but only for others? And I would rather see everyone smile, and my arms with scars than to see myself happy and one person sad?
How is that good for me?

My trip to China really opened my eyes on that issue. I got myself deathly sick in order to care for my room mate. I stayed up endless hours of the night to make sure she was alright, and ran around getting medicine for her, and I didn't notice I was myself sick until finally one day, my body couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the hospital and get myself IVed and everything. Why did I put myself through all that? So Lauren could at least have a bit of a good time.

I don't think I could really ever become a person who wants her own happiness. It makes me sad to think this way, but let's be honest (since we are on that topic), could I really re-teach myself on how to be happy when someone is sad? Even if I feel thats the way the rest of the world works?
I don't think so. I am giving up on that goal. I will make myself happy through making others happy, even if it means sacrificing myself and my needs. Who cares about them anyway?

:] Well, I will try to post something new everyday. Next post should be about my awesome trip to China, right? ;]

1 comment:

  1. I have that same problem, Ally. I really do think it;s a woman thing... or at least to some women. I see it more as a curse than a blessing, but who knows. I'm sorry, kiddo. I hope things get better!