This post is about my boyfriend. Kevin. Some of you might have seen his picture in some of my previous entry.
He is a handsome man, with a heart of gold... for anyone else but me.
We have been dating for almost 4 years (Nov 10th 2006). Lately, I have been depressed (wait. What?).
I am hid it to everyone, but him. I am still hiding it from everyone. No one looks past my excuses for not hanging out with them, no one questions my seclusion or my strange eating habits. Kevin didn't even really notice until I had to spell it out for him.
Still after then, nothing changed. I told him I just needed to feel love. I need to know that my life has a point, and that I am not just another carbon body wasting energy and ruining others' lives.
I really expect Kevin to stop up from being a regular boyfriend, to an amazing boyfriend. Like in those dramas where the boy does everything in his power to make sure that the girl smiles again. Instead, I got the opposite. He turned on himself, and looked on how much I hurt him, how much I ditched him, and how much I had done to him.
Instead of feeling loved and worth a damn, I sank deeper in my feeling of loneliness, and of failure. I have been trying to hide it for 2 months, and still no one has noticed. Still Kevin has done very little. The one date we have gone on was alright. I felt like I saw the little light at the end of the tunnel, that everything was going to be okay. My tears were going to stop, but instead, we went back to his bare naked room, and I ended up crying in silence again.
His room has nothing of me. No one would know I existed if they walked in his room. It hurt so bad to know that he can put everything I gave him into a drawer and never bother to look at it. I couldn't help but cry in silence. Kevin took notice, and now is using it against me.
In five days it is our 4th anniversary, and I am not as excited as a 20 year old should be. To anyone in the world, it means happiness, love and cherished memories, while for me, it will mean more fighting and sinking deeper and deeper in the depression.
I am hoping NaNowrimo is keeping me afloat. I am hoping it will save me, because so far no one has wanted to jump in the water to pull me out. Not even the man who supposedly loves me more than anything in the world.
