Friday, November 5, 2010

I say I can't get distracted...

Yet, it seems like life is crumbling around me.

This post is about my boyfriend. Kevin. Some of you might have seen his picture in some of my previous entry.
He is a handsome man, with a heart of gold... for anyone else but me.

We have been dating for almost 4 years (Nov 10th 2006). Lately, I have been depressed (wait. What?).
I am hid it to everyone, but him. I am still hiding it from everyone. No one looks past my excuses for not hanging out with them, no one questions my seclusion or my strange eating habits. Kevin didn't even really notice until I had to spell it out for him.

Still after then, nothing changed. I told him I just needed to feel love. I need to know that my life has a point, and that I am not just another carbon body wasting energy and ruining others' lives.

I really expect Kevin to stop up from being a regular boyfriend, to an amazing boyfriend. Like in those dramas where the boy does everything in his power to make sure that the girl smiles again. Instead, I got the opposite. He turned on himself, and looked on how much I hurt him, how much I ditched him, and how much I had done to him.

Instead of feeling loved and worth a damn, I sank deeper in my feeling of loneliness, and of failure. I have been trying to hide it for 2 months, and still no one has noticed. Still Kevin has done very little. The one date we have gone on was alright. I felt like I saw the little light at the end of the tunnel, that everything was going to be okay. My tears were going to stop, but instead, we went back to his bare naked room, and I ended up crying in silence again.
His room has nothing of me. No one would know I existed if they walked in his room. It hurt so bad to know that he can put everything I gave him into a drawer and never bother to look at it. I couldn't help but cry in silence. Kevin took notice, and now is using it against me.

In five days it is our 4th anniversary, and I am not as excited as a 20 year old should be. To anyone in the world, it means happiness, love and cherished memories, while for me, it will mean more fighting and sinking deeper and deeper in the depression.

I am hoping NaNowrimo is keeping me afloat. I am hoping it will save me, because so far no one has wanted to jump in the water to pull me out. Not even the man who supposedly loves me more than anything in the world.


  1. Dear Alli,

    Thank you for putting all of this into words...I know you've told me all of this before from our arguments, but when I am fighting with you, I never listen because I let my emotions control me.

    Recently, it has been hard for me to be there for you when you are upset because I am upset too. When we fight, you are angry and heartbroken, and I am just as frustrated and upset. I can be a very selfish person, and it is hard for me to see your side and consider your feelings when all I can think about is how hurt I am. When we fight, my first instinct is to defend myself, but I cannot emphasize with you and protect myself at the same time. How can I try to repair your broken heart when I am trying to keep my heart from breaking as well?

    I've heard all of these things before, but when we fight it's hard for me to understand what you want. I know the things that make you happy, but I don't do them because I am so hurt. And when I am hurt, I don't like you very much and I can only think about myself. It's very selfish, but it's a part of me that is really hard to change.

    I wish you would not make all these accusations against me. When I read them, I feel the need to defend myself and criticize you in return. All it does is build my walls higher and invoke a stronger counterattack.

    You wait for me to change. You wait for me to love you. But how can I love you if we are always fighting? How can I feel anything towards you besides anger and sadness? People are hard to change. I am not very smart and waiting for me to change might take years because I am such a slow learner.

    But maybe you can change yourself. Neither of us are right and we both have our faults. It's probably much easier to change yourself than it is to change me. And who knows? Maybe I will see that you really do love me and give you all the love you desire right now.

    Unfortunately, hate is a mutually destructive emotion and it traps us in a continuous cycle of more anger and hate. But it's never to late to break that cycle because we always have to potential to love each other again -- and love is mutually constructive. Lots of problems have been eroding our relationship for the past year, and building it up again will not be easy. But I am willing to try because deep down, I love you very much. And despite what I say during our fights, I still want to be with you and share many more anniversaries with you.

    I know that you are depressed...and I know that you want the perfect bpyfriend to take you far away and save you from this misery. The kind of boyfriend you see in the dramas, the kind who is always there for the girl because seeing her smile means everything to him...I want to be that hero, but its hard because we always fight. Heroes like that are lucky because they are always outsiders with a selfless heart. But my heart is broken and all I can think about is myself. We are both like that...

    All I want you to know is that your happiness is the only happiness I care about. It's always been that way.

    Happy early anniversary,

  2. Your message is very heartwarming in a way.

    I understand your heart is broken, but I do not see how. I am not sure how exactly I have broken your heart in anyway. I have tried to make you happy for so long, pushing through my sadness and ignoring my own happiness.

    I would change myself if I didn't feel like a complete failure. I am the one who always has to do everything, always and then when it is not done properly, i got yelled at. What is the point in me even trying? It must be your way or the highway. Everytime. It is difficult to follow, especially in times where I just want to look for things that make me happy.

    I am sick and tired of having to make all the effort in hanging out with you. I want it to be easy again. I want you to want to make me happy through the things that make ME happy, not just you. There isn't just you in this relationship.
    You not taking the bus to come to see me when i get tickets EVERYTIME I see you is a real pain and the best example of what I am talking about. I do not like coming to your room, and you know why. I do not like getting tickets, and i do not want to eat food everytime I see you.

    I always have to think of date ideas, of gift ideas, or of new ways to hang out or solutions when we cant hang out. But everything has to be agreed by you, and even if I do not want to do it, it doesnt matter.

    My opinion hasnt mattered in awhile. How does that make me feel? Don't you think it adds to my sadness and feeling of failure?
    I do not know what to tell you, but if you want to be my hero. If you want to be my Kim Bum then you have to love me even when we are fighting. OR at least just treat me with respect like any other human being.
    Heroes are never outsiders. They are always the cause or in the middle of the love triangle. They also have hurt the girl somehow, but the difference is they fight for her back. They want her back so much that they let her know what she is worth their life.

    When have you every thought about my feelings ever? Whatever it'd be when I cry or when I tell you I would rather not do something and yet you still try to force me to do it?

    To me, this does not matter. It will always be the same. I will never get what I want, and the only for me to pull myself out of my sadness is myself. I can trust no one but me, I shouldnt have noticed that a long time ago. It just saddens me to have lost so much faith in humanity through this experience.

    If you want to celebrate our anniversary, do it properly and plan something out so I can see for once that I am worth more than paying parking tickets.